Wednesday, November 9
waiting for my pw group to come. they're awfully nice. i changed the venue at the last minute because i couldn't bear to go to school with my horribly puffy eyes. i feel calm but drained. the eyes speak for themselves anyway. i should invest in a hamorrhoid cream; it's a vascular constrictor, apparently. what the bloody hell is wrong with me? i really am the useless crying windbag that you said i was. spat out contemptuously, rather. i suppose you flatter yourself strong. well i've never been strong, not in that cold unbreakable way. oh it's easy to pretend. it seems to be in fasion nowadays to be cold. maybe cold is finally cool. because it's an easy mask to put on. people leave icy beings alone, they don't want to risk frostbite of the heart.
maybe it's good to have a positive attitude, to take things as they come. but some things are just too big to be swept under the carpet. you'll trip eventually. maybe we're a cynical, critical lot. maybe we're not easily contented enough. i know it's a flaw, but it isn't always
the flaw. sometimes everything just gets too much. i should hand the burden over to God. i'm trying. mel, i'm really trying. isn't it odd how someone can sob as if she'd break into two, then wake up and pick herself up again the next day? maybe it's because that's just how life is. you have to go on believeing in a better tomorrow when today has been hilariously wrong in every possible way. you have to go on loving, because if love can end, then it never began. you have to go on being strong, being a shoulder for others, because we can't all cry on our own shoulders. i wish i didn't cry so easily. even a song, a thought, a fleeting emotion can bring me down. i'm so incredibly weak even i despise myself. mel, in the eyes of the world, i have nothing. but you're right. to God i have something. i just have to figure what it is.
aquarius. it's so freaking sad. can you hear me call?
it must've been love.
9:47 am
xoxo
